So, why's recruitment so low...

The Navy - It's not a job it's an adventure. For those who have watched
the movie "TOP GUN"
and one too many episodes of "JAG," a do-it-yourself kit to sample real
Navy life is now available. If you suffer from illusions of liberty in
exotic ports and flying
Tomcats with Tom Cruise, you can experience real Navy life in the
comfort of your own home.

Navy Life: A DO-IT-YOURSELF KIT

Module 1 : LIVING ABOARD SHIP

1. Buy a dumpster, chip the paint off down to bare metal, paint it gray,
and live in it for six months. {Coast Guard simulations use white
paint.}

2. Run all the piping and the wires inside your house on the outside of
the walls. Place eight handles on every door.

3. Repaint your entire house once a month.

4. Place metal barriers on the lower 18" of every door in your house.

5. Pump ten inches of nasty half sewage water into your basement. Pump
it out, clean up the mess, and paint everything in the basement gray.
(Repeat frequently for
added realism.)

6. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday turn your water temperature up to
200 degrees, on Tuesday and Thursday set the temperature at 10 degrees.
On Saturday
and Sunday inform your family that they used too much water during the
week and as a result all showering is secured.

7. Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Raise your bed to
within six inches of the ceiling. Stow all your clothing and possessions
in a 36" x 18" x 12"
locker. If anyone is sick and throwing up put them in the top bunk.

8. Give the keys to your house to your next door neighbor. Have him
enter your bedroom every morning at 0530 (5:30 am), and blow a whistle
loud enough for the
deaf to hear. Instruct the neighbor to shout in an amplified megaphone
six inches from your ear, "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and
trice up. The smoking lamp
is lit in all authorized spaces."

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do for
the following day. You and your family stand in the back yard at 0600 (6
am) while
mother-in-law reads her "Plan of the Day" (POD) to you. Repeat this
everyday except Sunday, unless you are simulating "at sea" in which case
do it seven days a
week.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days
straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the
hatch (door) that reads,
"Secured - Contact OA Div at X-3053."

Module 2 : EVOLUTIONS

1. Sit in your car and let it run for four hours before going anywhere.
This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off."

2. Before leaving or arriving at any location require your family to
stand on the hood of the car for the preceding hour. [Special Sea
Detail]

3. Empty all the garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway three
times a day even if they don't require it. [Sweepers]

4. Stand in the sun for an hour without moving a muscle while someone
reads the Old Testament book of Numbers to you. [Change of Command,
Retirement, etc.]

Module 3 : WORK AND WATCH STANDING

1. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. If
you miss a week or fudge complete disassembly, hold a trial and restrict
yourself to the
house for a month.

2. Require your family to qualify to operate all the appliances in your
home (example: Qualified Dishwasher Operator, Qualified Blender
Technician, Qualified
Toaster Operator, etc.). Hold weekly one hour classes after working
hours on such enlightened topics as "Breathing," "Hand Washing," and
"Walking."

3. Walk around your car for four hours, check the tire pressure, oil
level, and fuel level every 15 minutes and keep an accurate log (record
book) of the readings.

4. Don your Sunday best and go stand on your front porch for four hours.

5. Periodically run your life on an "8 on 8 off" routine. Work 8 hours
at your normal day job. Take care of your personal matters during the
next 8 hours. On the next 8 hours off, have an 18 wheeler from your grocer
distributor pull up in front of your house. Gather all your neighbors, form a
human chain gang from the truck down to your basement (be sure to route it
through the backyard to avoid "officer's country"). Pass all of the contents of
the truck hand-to-hand down to the basement.  Turn your cap around and go
on your normal work shift. Repeat the process the next 8 off shift, but this time unload
a truckload of high explosives.

Module 4 : QUALITY OF LIFE

1. Invite 200 to 1000 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Board
up all the windows and doors to your house for six months. After 6
months take down the boards. But, since you're on duty, wave at your family
through the front window of your home. You and one-third of the
"friends" can't leave until the next day.

2. Shower, eat, and sleep with the above mentioned friends never more
than an arm's length away. Instruct 10% of the "friends" NOT to shower
on a regular basis and an additional 10% NOT to change clothes more than
once a month.

3. Cook all your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning
you can reach. Fry everything. Serve cold. [Special note: You must not
gain weight on this diet and while locked in the house for six months.]

4. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month. Instruct them
to lose every fifth item and to send every other week's mail randomly to
Japan or Italy.

5. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN
and the Weather Channel.

6. Have your 5 year old cousin give you a hair cut with hedge clippers.

7. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

8. Work at McDonalds for five years. Do NOT get promoted (even to"Fry's
Manager").

9. Needle gun (compressed air powered impact device for paint chipping)
the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

10. Instruct your doctor to only dispense "aspirin" to you no matter
what the ailment or complaint.

11. Gather all the neighborhood washing and mix the clothing in a pile.
Rip off every other button, pour bleach directly on the pile, stuff the
washing machine to maximum capacity, DO NOT separate by colors.
Partially dry items and redistribute the "clean" items in a random fashion.

Module 5 : LEAVE AND LIBERTY

1. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
worst part of town, find the most run down trashy bar, pay $10 per beer,
and then walk home in the freezing cold.

2. Submit a special request chit (form) to your father-in-law, asking if
it is okay for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 PM). You must
submit the request form two days in advance. Instruct your father-in-law to hide for added
realism.

3. Spend two weeks in the filthiest sea port red light districts of
Europe, and call it "world travel."

Ah! Navy life! Sailors love to complain, but most wouldn't trade the
experience for anything -- once it is ten years in the past.