NATURAL SELECTION OF M&M'S

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I
hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That
is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner
gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown
and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically
inferior.

I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long
in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or
pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to
be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra
strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its
environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the
strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars
A Division of Mars, Inc.
Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.
Send it along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for
breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I
have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of
hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.