It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of
wild dogs.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several
of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words- "mank"
and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why
so is mankind.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just
go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and
we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
Bob."
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
THAT?!"
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth.
But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up
to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to
say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming
and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a
coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other. (FUNNY)
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid
gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking
surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To
make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up,
is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where
this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a
clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look
like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people
happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring he doorbell. When the person
comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says
"You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets back
on, I think you should buck them off again.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the
questions are. Hey, where am I?
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and
the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that
thing?!
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said,
"Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get
real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT
dork!" and point to another father.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that
different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
He was a cowboy mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a
woman out of dirt. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the
funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed,
and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be
waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
Howard had felt guilty. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he
couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure
him: "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor
to have an affair with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And,
you're single. So just let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Howard, you're a veterinarian...."
